Dear Customer...

This section is a little bit like one of Tom Reynold's post called "Dear Alcoholoic". My parents bought a pizza store a couple years ago and I usually take calls, since all I can cook is pizza and fries and such. Some of the customers there are very interesting.


Dear Customer,
If you would like to call in for a delivery, that's okay, but can you make sure you haven't consumed large quantities of alcoholic drinks preceding this call? I can't understand a word you're slurring. Also, if you decide to come in inebriated, call in before and tell me so I can hide.


Dear Customer,
If you're having a party, can you please figure out what you are going to order before you call as I am not very fond of loud noises in my ear. I am also not very fond of hearing obscenities yelled through the phone from your drunk guests.


Dear Customer,
If I know you, and you know me, and you call in for a delivery--don't bother asking me if I will give you free food. I will not.
If you know me, and decide to give me a hard time, then i'll just start singing badly.

Dear Customer,
If you start singing badly then i'll just hand the phone over to my mother.


Dear Customer,
Could you please not yell at me because it's taking a little longer to take your order. You are not the only customer there, but I promise i'll try to go as fast as I can.


Dear Customer,
Can you please refrain from yelling at me in different languages. I may not understand what you're saying, but I get the gist. Also, don't yell at me if i'm the one making your food.

Dear Customer,
Thank you for putting your paper plates back on the counter. I'm sure my mother will have an exciting time washing it.

Dear Customer,
Thanks for making nice pictures on the table with the ketchup bottle. I really appreciate seeing your amazing art in here all the time.

Especcially those nicely drawn reproductive parts.

Dear Customer,
Please do not enter the restaurant telling me you are a poor, impoverished soul. I will throw you a loaf of stale bread. Yes I know, "Jeez! Douche baggy."

[Didn't spellcheck. Will update.]